Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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