I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
