i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
