Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
