No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
