why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
