alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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