You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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