You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
