By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
