I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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