What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
