I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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