using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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