Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
