you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
