This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
