Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
