I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Randomize
