1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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