don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
