I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
