my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She told me I should be a condom model.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
