so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
