How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
