I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
