I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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