giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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