Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
