my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
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