How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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