Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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