I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
