You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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