all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
