We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
