Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
