finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
