I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
