meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
