good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
