My Higher Power is John Stamos
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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