I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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