In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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