I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I hate all girls vehemently.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
