I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
