his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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