My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
