More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
