I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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