Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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