I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
