Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
